One Star Classics

Francis Ford Coppola still makes movies? Val Kilmer still acts in them? Introducing Twixt, a movie few know exist, while those of us who do wish it didn’t.

This is one mess of I-don’t-know-what. It is a movie that ends with Coppola and Kilmer crooning a rousing little number called «Nosferatu» over the end-credits. Mull that over for a second. The man who directed Apocalypse Now and Jim Morrison joining together in a quasi-goth karaoke session. The mind boggles, and the numerous references to the Doors’ «The End» might serve as some sort of indicator of where Kilmer wishes his career was floating.

Oh, Val. Val, Val, Val. What happened to you? Here’s a man who truly has acted in some gems—Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, for heaven’s sake—before he seemingly vanished. Yet here he returns, pulled out of retirement by a director I never found to be that awesome in the first place. (The Godfather? In the words of Peter Griffin: «It insists upon itself.» That’s right, I’d rather watch Family Guy than The Godfather.) Hell, for all I know, Val might be on peak-form in Twixt. It’s hard to say when he must deliver lines like «People are saying what's going on up here is evil. Are you worried about that?»

Writing aside, Twixt largely seems unfinished. Some scenes look like they have yet to be color-processed (think that patented The Tomb-look), while others (and this is the movie’s one plus-point) are gorgeous looking. Neither make much of a difference, of course, when Coppola’s direction of the actors makes George Lucas downright seem like a people-person. I mean, good grief, the best part is Elle Fanning’s acting, and that’s only because her crying seems real. (Which I assume it is, and that it mostly stems from her realizing her career is ending at the age of 12.)

Look, I get it. You stumble across this on Netflix, and you think «how bad can it really be?» The answer is pretty damn bad. This may very well be the most ridiculous movie I’ve ever watched, and that says something. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking this one time the latter-day work of an elder god will stack up, because it won’t. It doesn’t. Live dangerously, and give something like Mr Jones a shot. Sure it’s flawed , but at least they tried, and that’s more than I can say about Coppola, who I would hope to god will stick to supporting his daughter’s films, as well as his burgeoning wine business.

The Trailer

I’m no religious aficionado, but should we ever decide to expand the Holy Trinity, I think Kirk Cameron would be the perfect addition to make a Holy Square. This is a man who clearly feels he is the closest thing we have to Jesus, and he certainly is not afraid to smear on the smugness to prove it. (Not that I’m necessarily saying Jesus was smug; more that Kirk is smug about thinking he is the second (or however many we’re up to) coming.)

As for Left Behind, there isn’t a whole lot to say about it—you already know the story—but there are things to be learned from it, most of which pertains to Kirk. I can only assume he more than influenced the end product.

For example, apparently animals really do not have souls. Kirk and co. want to make this clear, and should you have any doubts, it is hammered in that dogs do not go to heaven. Here they run around the streets, loyally trying to find their owners, all of who were whisked off to the afterlife. I suppose Kirk might be suggesting that biters get what they deserve, but frankly, it looks to me like the animal kingdom has gone downhill in god/Kirk’s estimate after the whole Noah incidence.

Either way, much as he hates animals, one quickly learns that Kirk finds plenty of inspiration in infomercials. I can only assume the script writers—one of which has written a good dozen apocalyptic movies, including the recent Nic Cage remake of this one—were lifted from the latest Magic Bullet spot. We’re talking: “But Kirk, surely there is no way somebody like me can go to heaven now?” “Well, not so fast, Jim, not only can I offer you a one-way ticket, I will also give you a chance to defeat the anti-Christ!”

It’s not a great movie, but it sure is fascinating!

Ever wondered if Kirk was frugal? He clearly is! This is a movie set after the armageddon—no need for extras! (Which further proves that Kirk is kind of a softie (animals notwithstanding)—apparently he feels most of the world would be whisked away when it all goes to crap. Or he ran out of money while filming.)

I suppose there actually is a movie in here, but few would watch the movie for the movie itself. More than anything, this is Kirk-porn, and it is as in-your-face as it ever has been produced.

Want more Kirk? This is the internet and you can find plenty of smut out there!

• On Facebook!
• On Twitter!
• In your coffee cup!

The Trailer

God bless Dolph Lundgren. The man literally has no facial expressions, yet here he is, still riding on his Rocky notoriety, acting his little heart out. And again, let us emphasize this: no facial expressions. He has a face, I suppose, and some might claim having one defaults to a facial expression, something I eminently disagree with. Dolph’s face does not qualify as anything other than a blank slate, one which you can cast your projections onto. In that sense, Two Worlds is a movie that will make you feel whatever you already felt.

With his sequel to In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Dr Boll slashed the budget from $60 million to $4.5 million, and I wish I could say it shows, but let’s be honest… This movie is technically as tear-worthy as its prequel, and I assume most of the cash went to fund Dolph’s botched Botox job.

Nothing makes sense here, least of all the plot.

A Dungeon Siege Tale was set in a separate universe; Two Worlds, despite its name, is set in our universe’s past. Can Dolph pull off a period piece? Of course he can’t, and to the credit of the producers, they went the time travel route, continuity be damned. There’s some nonsense about Dolph being the savior from the future, and blaaaah, who really cares? You get a dragon, and isn’t that what matters? I’m pretty sure Dr Boll’s kids made it out of Play-Doh, too.

No, you watch Two Worlds for Dolph, let’s be honest. You watch Dolph run around in scenes that make no sense, and you watch him in settings that include a papier-mâché structure which apparently is supposed to be a castle. (Keep an eye out, and you’ll see Dr Boll’s car parked outside of it…) Parts of me like to think it’s a bouncy castle, and that Dolph was playing in it in-between takes.

God bless Dolph Lundgren. Hungover, with what could be a paralyzed face, and no acting chops—yet here he is, trying as hard as a Dolph Lundgren can try. He is no Jason Statham, nor does he want to be; what he tries to be is Dolph Lundgren, and he almost succeeds at that.

And they deserve each other, don’t they? Dr Boll and Dolph, neither capable of doing anything particularly well. That is why we love them, these two men, doing very little, splattering it all on the screen. From the bottom of my heart: Thank you!

The Trailer

I guess in my heart, I had a certain idea of how Pinocchio’s Revenge came to be: A couple of low-level producers sitting in a room, trying to figure out how to come up with a Child’s Play knock-off, when one of them in a fit of frustration, blurted out that Kevin in accounting owns both a camcorder and a puppet, so why not just let him make the movie? Little did they know what they unleashed…

That might be what happened, yet as it turns out, said Kevin Tenney was allowed to make yet another movie. That’s right. After having butchered the horror genre, Kev (as I like to call him–I picture him being kind of a Guy Fieri type of guy) set his sights on sci-fi. Child’s Play was replaced by Terminator.

And yet again, I picture long, futile production meetings, where, in the end, the same junior producer angrily shouted out, “Well, we’re not gonna get Julia Roberts for this thing, so let’s just effin’ get her brother instead!” Thus it came to be that Endangered Species stars Eric Roberts, an actor so prolific he, at the time of writing, has sixty (60!) projects lined up. Sixty! Focus is apparently not his strong suit. (Credit where credit is due, though, and no pun intended: He was not bad at all in a recent run of Suits.)

As for Endangered Species, who the hell knows what actually is going on? Some Terminator-like alien arrives to slaughter humans, while some other Terminator-like alien tries to stop him. There are some half-attempt to put this into an actual plot, where humans are considered the equivalent of gorillas, and I dont’t know, it all makes very little sense.

I will give Kev some props for trying to fill up 94 minutes, but will also question if the gratuitous nudity really was needed. I suppose it comes back to his Guy Fieri, bro-like ways, but it gets kind of embarrassing how he tries to pander to 14 year old boys. Still, without it, the movie would probably run shy of an hour.

The effects here are pretty much something you could have made at home, even before iMovie came around (the aliens appearing from “nowhere”, aka the middle of the screen… dads everywhere did that at home in 1988), and the acting is just grotesque. Kind of like this scene where Eric Roberts makes out…

… I mean, what the hell?

Kev kept his streak going with Endangered Species, but judging by IMDb, this was were it all came to a stop. The mighty accountant flew too close to the sun, and Icarus-ed it to the ground. And you know… I kind of admire that. Kev tried, he really did. He did what he thought was right, and sure he didn’t succeed, but he was what he was: a man with a camcorder, a love for the 4:3 ratio, a puppet, and a dream, trying to make his mark on the world.

The Trailer